Brothers of Paradise Series

But his eyes are trained on it. “Your hair used to be dyed black,” he murmurs.

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His eyes rise to mine, and a smile that is entirely too charming spreads across his face. It makes my stomach flip over. “I know better than to answer that,” he says. “But no, James. You’re gorgeous like this. Too gorgeous.”

Our kisses go from vertical to horizontal. My back hits the pillows, and then the couch itself, stretched out beneath Parker. He’s always been strong, but I’ve never realized just how built he is until this very moment. He’s everywhere, and every slow brush of his lips sends shivers down my arms. I feel like I’m coming alive again, like he’s kissing me back into my own body.

Parker’s attention shifts to my neck and I look up at the ceiling. I’m feeling too much, all of it at once. His lips are a feather’s touch on my sensitive skin.

I want him, desperately. I want to lose myself in us, in him, and I want to be held in his arms and close my eyes and feel the strong beat of his heart beneath my ear.

But then I hear Lee’s comments in my head. Do you have to make so much noise? God, Jamie, can you buy panties that aren’t for grandmothers? Hygiene is important. I’d have gotten hard if you’d showered first.

They were always dropped casually, like things I should be aware of, instead of devastating blows. Each comment a pebble against my self-confidence. If he’d thrown boulders instead, I might’ve had a chance at avoiding them.

I might have seen them for what they were.

“Jamie,” Parker says. His voice is hoarse, and when he lifts his head, the dark blue eyes are nearly black. There’s a distinct hardness against my leg. “What’s wrong?”

I tighten my grip on his shoulders. This is everything I’ve ever wanted, and Lee won’t take it from me. “Nothing.”

“James,” he says. The arms on either side of me are solid, and I turn to look at them instead, the muscles taut as they hold his weight. “Tell me.”

“I just get in my head sometimes. I’m sorry. We can keep going, it’s okay, I promise.”

“Hell, no,” he says.

I flinch against the words. Another apology hovers on my tongue, even as I hate myself for it. For the person I became around Lee, for the person I can’t seem to shake fully.

But Parker isn’t him, and he pulls us up into sitting. A strong arm settles around my waist, making itself at home. “We aren’t doing anything,” he says, “unless you fully want to.”

“Oh, but I do, Parker, of course I do. It’s just that…” My words trail off. There’s no way to explain it. How things with Lee had gone from explosive to passive-aggressive, how intimacy had become another of his manipulative weapons, honed to perfection.

Something darkens on Parker’s face. It’s there in an instant, and it’s an expression I’ve rarely seen on his face. He looks like he had in Lily’s hospital room, all those years ago, if his devastation was matched by rage.

“It’s because of Emma’s father,” he says blandly.

It’s a statement, and not a question, but I nod.

Parker closes his eyes and a muscle jumps in his jaw. A long second passes, and then another.

“It’s okay,” I say.

“No, it’s not. Did he hurt you?”

I shake my head. This night is spiralling, my two lives colliding. The two Jamies colliding.

“I don’t believe you,” Parker says.

The words tumble out, a torrent that matches the adrenaline flowing through my veins. This is it. He’ll find out just how weak I’ve been and he’ll leave. “Lee never hurt me physically. It was just… little things. Comments. By the end he would critique everything I did, all of the time, until I was walking on eggshells.”

He’d tell me I was worthless, I think, and for years I believed him.

“He’d critique everything you did,” Parker repeats slowly. His voice is monotone. “Including sex?”

I want the Earth to swallow me whole, to bury me in an unmarked grave. Mortification sets my face on fire. “Yes.”

Parker closes his eyes again and the hand on my waist tightens, just slightly, the grip still soft. He turns into a statue with tightly controlled breathing.

“It’s okay,” I whisper. “I left him. It’s just that, well, sometimes I still hear those comments in my head.”

“He was wrong,” Parker says, eyes still closed, “about every fucking thing he ever said. You know that, right?”

I take a deep breath. “Most days, yes. But not all.”

Parker remains quiet and still, hands on me, eyes closed.

“Are you okay?” I finally whisper.

He tips forward, his forehead coming to rest against mine. Dark blue eyes open again. “I’m trying very hard to restrain myself,” he says. “It’s a new concept for me.”

“Oh. Restrain yourself from what?”

“A great many things, most of which would land me in prison,” he says. But then his lips quirk up, a tiny movement. “Or turn you off me forever.”

“Not possible,” I murmur.

He kisses me. It’s achingly sweet, with his large hand on my cheek, and brief. When he leans back the air between us feels clear. I see none of the judgement in his eyes that I reserve for myself.

“Time, Jamie,” he says. “I have all the time in the world.”

“Oh.”

“So whenever that bastard’s words ring in your head, you tell me. What they are, or not, I don’t care. But let me know so I can remind you how brilliant and beautiful you are.”

Something squeezes painfully tight in my chest. All I can do is nod.

“I have questions,” he continues, “and I think there are still things for you to tell me, if you want. But there’s no rush. Was this enough for tonight?”

He’s giving me the choice. Like Lily, he’s not demanding all of it now. Where Lee is now, how I left him.

“Yes, I think it’s… enough for tonight,” I say. It doesn’t quite feel like a defeat, with his steady gaze on me and the strength of his arm around my waist.

“Okay,” he says instead. “Then let’s see what movie you’ll badger me into watching.”

My mouth falls open. “Excuse me?”

He grins. “I remember your artsy movie taste in high school. Things had to have subtitles, remember? Or be black and white?”