Brothers of Paradise Series

“Who will be there?” Emma asks, for the third time. She’s walking beside me on the sidewalk, putting one sandal after the other in an attempt to walk in a perfect line.

I tell her again, starting with the people she knows. Lily, little Jamie, Hayden, and Parker.

“Jamie is very small,” she says.

I smile at that. “He’s only two years younger than you, sweetie.”

“I was a baby two years ago.”

“Well, you were smaller than you are now, yes. But not quite a baby.”

She drags her feet when we pass the gelato shop, but after a short discussion, we decide to postpone ice cream to tomorrow. Saying tomorrow instead of today really is the hallmark of great parenting, I’ve learned.

“Why was the captain at our house the other night?” she asks.

I reach for her hand as we cross the street. “Well, you know we work together.”

“At the restaurant.”

“Yes.”

“But, that’s there. Not at our house.”

“No, that’s true, but I help him with other things. Like building a website for the restaurant so people can find out what’s on the menu before they come.”

“Why?”

“Well, some people like to know in advance.”

She frowns. “Why?”

“Some are allergic. Others aren’t sure they’ll like the food and want to make sure before they go.”

“Oh,” she says. She’s quiet for a long time, face lost in thought, and not for the first time I wish I could read her mind. We pass mansion after impressive mansion on Ocean Drive. Most are more window than wall, all to make the most of the ocean view.

“Mommy? I’ve been thinking.”

The tone in her voice makes me smile. Absolutely anything could follow that statement. “Oh? What about?”

“I don’t miss Daddy anymore.”

It takes me a deep breath to hide my shock. “You don’t?”

“No,” Emma says. There’s only calm in her voice, a child’s easy self-confidence. “I did before. But he never played with me and he hasn’t come to visit us.”

“No,” I murmur. “No, he hasn’t.”

And thank God for that.

“I like Granny more. And I like it here. Can I learn sailing this fall? In my new school?”

I have to swallow. “Um, not yet, honey. You have to be eight to start sailing. Remember? We’ve spoken about that.”

“The captain can teach me. He said so last weekend on the boat. Well, he promised little Jamie too, but he’s too small.” She tugs her hand out of mine and climbs onto the small ledge cornering off Lily and Hayden’s front yard, arms out to keep her balance. “So don’t feel bad, Mommy.”

“Feel bad?”

“About Daddy,” she says. “Do you miss him?”

There’s a time when dishonesty is okay with your kid. Ice cream tomorrow instead of today, Mommy didn’t bring her wallet so we can’t go to the toy store.

This doesn’t feel like one of those times.

While I wish I could undo Lee, that I could shelter her from this, that I had a perfect father to give her… I don’t have any of those things.

And so I don’t lie. “No, honey. I don’t.”

“I didn’t think so,” she says, sounding satisfied with herself. Then we’ve arrived, and she asks me about who’ll be here again, and the conversation slips away from me.

We’re not the first to arrive, but we’re not the last, either. Hayden, Lily, Parker, and Henry are sitting in the backyard together with their parents. The grill is already going and on the ground is a small bubble machine. Little Jamie is sitting in front of it, happily swatting at them.

Emma immediately forgets her shyness. She rushes forward and starts to catch them, her favorite activity.Belonging © NôvelDram/a.Org.

“Parker brought it,” Lily says, by way of greeting, and looks at her brother. “Are you a child yourself? Sometimes I wonder.”

He rolls his eyes and turns to me. “Hi, Jamie.”

“Hello,” I say, and struggle to hide my smile.

The rest of the introductions are swift. Their parents, Michael and Eloise, are like they’ve always been. One is curt where the other is verbose, and both know how to wield words well. Both love their family, too, with a fierceness I’ve always admired, even when I know their children have sometimes resented the pressure that accompanied it.

“Where’s your lovely wife?” I ask Henry.

He nods toward the house. “With the baby. She’s teething, and I don’t know if it’s worse for the baby or for her parents.”

“Tough stage,” I say. “It seems like it lasts forever when you’re in it, too.”

His eyes light up. “How long did it last for you and Emma?” he asks, and just like that, we’re adults who can have an adult conversation, with the awkwardness I’d always felt around Lily and Parker’s older siblings melting away. We’re not teenagers anymore.

Ivy and Rhys are the last to arrive. I watch them all interact and feel the same warm envy settle in my chest, watching the large family. It’s not intrusive, the feeling, and it’s not malicious. I’m grateful to be here.

Emma sits next to me when we eat. Michael has cooked lobster tails on the grill, and there’s potato salad, watermelon, lamb skewers and dinner rolls. A veritable surf and turf feast.

Parker sits on Emma’s other side. When she stares at her lobster roll he’s there, helping her crack it open, and is rewarded with a giggle when the shell snaps.

“Feel like trying it?” he asks. “It tastes pretty good. My restaurant sells thousands of these.”

“Thousands?”