Healing The Ruthless Alpha

Chapter 46

When he said there was no need for me to be out and about, he meant it. After he not so subtly told me my presence in his pack was irrelevant, he had his driver take me back to the Alpha Castle with Sebastian in the front seat. The ride back was uncomfortable and unfortunate. I felt like crying but I told myself I could not break down in the presence of these men.

Every time Cahir and I were alone together, he found a way to hurt me without care. The things he said to me - the way he made me feel - no one else had been able to make me feel so worthless in a long time, not since I decided I would live for myself rather than for the people I wanted to please.

With every word, every action, he reduced the self-esteem I was trying to build after a lifetime of being stepped on in Silver Moon. He didn't even have to try hard to hurt me. He had a knack for breaking me with just a few words.

We got to the Alpha Castle and I jumped out of the car, rushing into the house and going up to my room. The door slammed as I rushed to the bathroom, unloading everything inside my stomach into the toilet. The meal we shared was uncomfortable to the point where nothing I ate digested and if I paused eating for more than a minute, he reminded me to eat. I felt – suffocated.

"Sia -" Asena started in a reserved voice.

"Don't start," I snapped before shutting her off.

For the past three years since the awakening of my wolf, I had always had Asena by my side, supporting me and comforting me when things went bad but now - now I'd lost my wolf to her mate, a man that made me feel like shit just for existing.Ccontent © exclusive by Nô/vel(D)ra/ma.Org.

Exhausted, I washed my face and crawled into bed. Then I let my emotions get the best of me. I wished I wasn't a crybaby but crying was the only way I knew to let out my emotions. I couldn't hit things and I couldn't yell. All I could do was lie in a corner and cry my eyes out until I was fatigued and ready to sleep.

However, that day, no matter how long I cried, I did not feel better. I didn't think I was cut out to be the Luna of a pack this big but I was willing to try. I wanted to put in my best to make sure I was of use to these people and not just a Luna in name only but my mate looked me in the eye and told me that Alpha Blood had done well before me so there was no need for me. My usefulness now would be to stay home and welcome him between my legs whenever he felt like it.

"This is not the life I want," I whispered to myself, clutching a pillow to my chest. "How can I - What can I do?"

The obvious answer was to speak up, to let Cahir know I was not a decorative piece. The Moon Goddess paired us together and she had her reasons. She made me the Luna so he had no reason to stop me from carrying out my duties but when I thought of opening my mouth to go against Cahir, I felt my heart freeze. I was scared of my mate, more terrified of him than I had been of everyone in Silver Moon pack.

Cahir Armani could break me without breaking a sweat. He could destroy me in a heartbeat and forget me in a second because my existence was irrelevant to him. He would have no regrets - the thought of that pricked even my wolf and made her whine while I hugged the pillow tighter. I was irrelevant to this man. He didn't need a mate, he said it before. He was keeping me around to amuse himself, to satisfy his wolf's physical urges.

The days that followed saw me miserable. I barely saw Cahir because I wasn't fucking allowed outside the house and he worked outside the house! The people in the Castle had started to look at me with pity in their eyes. That look - That horrendous look of pity that trailed my movement every time I came out of my room - I hated it more than the look of contempt I used to get in Silver Moon pack.

"Sihana." I looked up from the book I was reading to see Laura smiling down at me. Maribeth stood beside her with a basket and her wide, unsettling smile.

"Hello." Laura sat and Maribeth placed the basket on the floor beside Laura before she excused herself.

"Luna Sihana, I don't like the way you look these days," she said in a cautious voice.

How did I look? Who knew? I didn't allow myself to look into the mirror anymore because the image I saw was that of a weak and pathetic girl, the same image I had tried to be rid of for the past year. Perhaps my complexion had turned paler as I hadn't seen the sun in a whole week! If I stepped outside the Alpha Castle, it was to go to the Alpha Castle's conservatory. Every time I went, I felt Sebastian's presence even without seeing him. The feeling of eyes on me was unpleasant so after the first day, I never went to the conservatory again.

"How do I look?" I asked Laura. I wasn't particularly interested in engaging her but I didn't want to be rude to such a kind woman.

"You look sad and defeated." Did I now? I wondered why - oh - the man I called my mate told me to my face that his pack had no need for me and since then, I had only caught glimpses of him once or twice as he went about his super important business. "You look like you regret it." Her eyes lingered on me and her statement asked me a question I refused to answer.

"I see." Did I regret coming here and mating with Cahir?

At least twice every day, I wondered how much better my life would have been if, rather than get on the plane here, I had told Kamal and his gang to let me escape. Then, I would have had the life of solitude I wanted - the life of a solitary wolf free from the obligations of her pack, and especially one without a mate.

When Kade rejected me, I gave up the idea of having a mate. I used to dream of living as a human and maybe – maybe committing the taboo of dating one. I should have held on to that dream rather than giving it up for a man like Cahir Armani.

"Everyone can tell things aren't working out well between you two," Laura continued. Great, so people were gossiping about me now. "It's no surprise, really." Whatever Laura wanted to say, it would not be pleasant for me to hear.

Had she come to goad me into 'trying' to love Cahir? Would she continue to nag at me to 'heal' her Alpha? I didn't want to hear any of it.

I went back to reading my book as she reached into the basket at her feet and started to take out sandwiches and drinks.

"You haven't been eating well so I

asked the kitchen to prepare

met

something for you." She brought out fruits and snacks. "The girls were more than happy to help out and since none of us knows what you might like, we packeted a little of this and a little of that." I had to get my book off the table I had been reading on for her to unpack her things.

"What are you trying to do, Laura?" I asked with a sigh when she was done setting up a mini-feast.

"I am trying to cheer you up." She smiled but the pity in her eyes made me uncomfortable.

"I'm not sad, really. I am fine." Only disappointment and self-loathing lingered in me these days.

—

Cahir made his stance clear. He didn't need a mate. I needed to find something to do with myself but the fear in my heart when I thought of going against him held me back. That feeling the feeling of being stuck and being too cowardly to do anything to be free - filled me with disappointment and self-loathing. I hated myself for being this weak - this useless.

"I am an old lady, Luna Sihana and I can see past the surface level. Things with Cahir are strained - the two of you are both miserable and no one is willing to take the first step to make it right. This is not the first time I am seeing this with mated couples." I snorted at her analogy.

Miserable? Cahir? No, she must have mistaken his elation for something else. I was out of his way now just as he wanted!

"He told me there was no use for me so I doubt he's going about miserable," I said, to which her eyes widened but then she spoke again in a calm tone.

"Did he say that or is that your interpretation of something else that he said?" She asked.

"He said Alpha Blood has done just fine without a Luna so there is no need for me to try to familiarize myself with the pack as her Luna."

I waited for how best she would explain away such cruel words but she had no answer. She frowned and chewed on her bottom lip for a few minutes before she sighed.

"Was this spoken in anger?" I shook my head. "I don't have the full details but I don't think Cahir would have said that to hurt you. Did you tell him how you felt when he said that?" She probed but I almost rolled my eyes.

"What purpose would that serve? So he would laugh at me?" Maribeth returned as I spoke, leading the last person I ever wanted to see towards me. "What the hell is she doing here?" Every day, Alpha Blood gave me more and more reasons to regret joining the pack. Why else was Beth leading Felicity towards me!?