Surrender Your Sensations

“This is more emotionally and mentally difficult than what I thought. I cried a lot last night. It’s hard to accept it. It’s hard to believe it.” I chuckled, placing my hand on top of the white marble. I traced her etched name on the surface as if I was touching her face. “Mom, do you think I can handle it again? Can I survive for the second time around? I am hurting Papa again.”

I sighed before a small smile returned to my lips. I was sitting on the grass, across from my mother’s grave. Yesterday, my biopsy result revealed that my cancer came back and I had to deal with it again. Rupert was there with me to receive the bad news. But I asked him to leave and give me my ‘me’ time to process everything.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

“I met a guy, Ma. His name is Rupert. I’ve done a lot of crazy things with him and I’m sure you’re going to scold me big time if you’re still here,” I laughed at my own story. The first day I met Rupert came back. He was my definition of living freely back then. I took the risk with him and ended up enjoying every moment we spent.

“Rupert is my salvation. He made me realize that I can learn from my mistakes and I can be strong with my weaknesses. I,” I just realized it was not because of sex why I took the risk and went with Rupert that night. It was more like security… and freedom, “I am happy and free when I’m with him. I love him, Ma. And he confessed to me too. He feels the same way as me.”

I was close to making a decision that I would regret in the future. I was so sure to leave Rupert so he could find the better and healthier woman he could spend his life with.

But this was harder than I thought it would be.

“My breasts have to be removed just so my cancer won’t come back again. Eian said- by the way, he’s my doctor now. Yes. Aunt Bernadeth’s son,” I clenched my fists, “it’s my genetics to blame why I had to do a mastectomy. Did your doctor also present to you the same option, Ma? Most probably, right? Because it’s our genes to blame. Then why?”

I brushed my long hair before staring at the tulips I bought for my mother. I stared at her tomb. “Why didn’t you do the mastectomy, Ma? You could’ve lived longer. You should have a longer life in exchange of your breasts.” The bitter taste in my mouth made the words I said to sound like I was blaming my mom. “Maybe you also thought about Papa? Maybe he’ll change the way he looks at you when you lose your breasts. Maybe you thought about what the other people around you will say? What kind of woman doesn’t have breasts, right?”

Losing my breasts was a hard decision to make. But to be honest, it’s bearable to do it if it guarantees me a longer life.

However, I couldn’t help but to think about other people’s perspectives. I will be everyone’s topic – if they don’t judge me because I don’t have a chest – they will surely pity me. How about being a mother? Can I still have a baby after taking my breasts out? I couldn’t give my baby my own milk in the future.

“I want to do the right thing, Ma. At least, I want to save Rupert from the pain of being with me,” I heaved a deep sigh. The smile that was on my lips disappeared. I looked up at the sky, “But it’s wrong for me to leave him. Isn’t it, Ma? It’s wrong for me to push him away especially if he wants to stay by my side. He said he wants to protect me. But … Leaving him is the most effective way to lessen the pain. I want to save him from my struggles. It’s for his sake. ”

“It’s not for my sake, Meredith.”

I was stunned by the speaker. I immediately turned around to that familiar voice. A man was walking towards me. I knew immediately that it was Rupert because of his clothes, his hair and his voice.

I asked him to be here because I wanted to tell him about the treatments I should get for my cancer.

I stood up and waited for him to come to me. When he was standing up a foot away, he immediately said, “It’s not for my sake,” he said again. He put both of his hands in his jeans pockets. “You’re just being selfish.”

“I am not being selfish. I want to help you. I want to give you the freedom to live a better life. It’s for you,” I replied to him.

He shook his head. “For me?” He took a step forward. Then he cupped my face with both of his hands. “‘I want to help you’, ‘I want to give you the freedom to live a better life ‘; it all starts with ‘I’ … You are the subject and not me. It’s not for me, Meredith Kaye. ”

My mouth fell open at what he said. He placed his forehead on mine and that’s when I saw his glistened eyes. He was crying and it was like my heart was broken because of that.

“D-Don’t leave me. Just don’t push me away,” he murmured. His eyes were teary and begging.

I could feel it. He’s in pain but he wanted to stay.

“Okay. Don’t cry. I won’t leave, Rupert. Instead, I want you to stay.” His tears fell and he started sobbing. I held his face and kept his gaze on me. “I want you to be there when they will inject me with my chemo drug. I want you to be there to hold my hair when I have to puke because of my medicine. I want you to be there next to me when I cry because my hair is falling out. I want you to be there to consume the foods I can’t eat because my body hurts so much from the treatment.”

I sobbed with him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I hugged him closer. He snuggled his head on my chest and I told him the things I want him to do for me while I am fighting my disease. It was an endless list of sacrifices from his end- almost all of which he alone would give.

“Rupert … That’s how selfless you should be if you want to stay with me. I can’t give you anything while I’m fighting my illness. I can’t think if you’re sad or if your day is good because I’m focusing on myself and my miserable life. I will only think about myself.” I caressed his hair and kissed the top of his head. “Are you still sure you want to marry me? Are you really sure you’re not going to be tired doing all the sacrifices?”

“Okay. Don’t cry. I won’t leave, Rupert. Instead, I want you to stay.” His tears fell and he started sobbing. I held his face and kept his gaze on me. “I want you to be there when they will inject me with my chemo drug. I want you to be there to hold my hair when I have to puke because of my medicine. I want you to be there next to me when I cry because my hair is falling out. I want you to be there to consume the foods I can’t eat because my body hurts so much from the treatment.”

I sobbed with him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I hugged him closer. He snuggled his head on my chest and I told him the things I want him to do for me while I am fighting my disease. It was an endless list of sacrifices from his end- almost all of which he alone would give.

“Rupert … That’s how selfless you should be if you want to stay with me. I can’t give you anything while I’m fighting my illness. I can’t think if you’re sad or if your day is good because I’m focusing on myself and my miserable life. I will only think about myself.” I caressed his hair and kissed the top of his head. “Are you still sure you want to marry me? Are you really sure you’re not going to be tired doing all the sacrifices?”

I felt his head nod and his hug around my waist tightened. “Just … J-Just don’t leave me. Just fight. J-Just don’t leave me.” He raised his head from leaning on my chest and then he kissed my chin. “Just don’t leave me- Just stay by my side, Meredith Kaye.”

I smiled, realizing how certain he was about me.

I found myself nodding. I then kissed his forehead. We sat on the ground. His head rested on my shoulder as I wrapped my arm around his shoulder.

Now, I had to tell him about my options.