Surrender Your Sensations

One year ago …

“Congrats, Edith. A year has passed. I don’t think you should worry anymore. Everything is going to be okay from here.”

I looked at Bailey because of what she said. I nudged her side before getting off of the car’s passenger seat. I turned around at the driver’s seat and then peeked at the window. “Five years, Bailey. Eian said- I mean Dr. Baller, I have to be healthy for five years straight to say I don’t really have cancer anymore,” I reminded her before sighing a deep breath.

“One year was still a long time,” she replied to me before patting my forehead. “It’s not because the standards are five years to say you’re cancer free, you’re invalidating the one year you’re healthy. You should be thankful for that.”

I frowned at her before playfully swatting her hand away which was patting me like a kid. “One year is only twenty percent of the five years. A lot more can happen. I still can’t figure it out. My cancer can still come back.”

“Stop your negativity. You’re ruining it. You just received a very good result from your tests and then you’re ruining the good news right away.” She started the car’s engine before averting her gaze back at me. “Just tell your mom that you are healthy for one year after recovering from cancer. For sure she will be happy.”

I shrugged my shoulders before I nodded at my dear best friend. Although we often did not get along, I am very grateful that she did not leave me during the hard times. “See you tomorrow,” I told her before waving her goodbye. “I’ll talk to Mama for maybe an hour then I’ll head straight to the karaoke bar near here.”

Bailey laughed at what I said. “You’re really weird in terms of celebration. Karaoke, really? Very old school.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “You said I should celebrate the fact that I’ve been healthy for a year and now you’re making fun of my way of celebrating?”

Bailey chuckled. “Whatever. I have to leave. I have some business to take care of. Again, congrats for your one year, Edith.”

She was about to raise the window of the car when I stopped her. I grinned at her. “Are you getting laid tonight?”

She coughed at my question before slapping my hand that was holding the window. “I’m going. Stop being nosy. Go home right away after talking to your mom. Stop causing distress to your dad.”

I smirked at her. I hope everyone really has an active sex life. I just shook my head as Bailey’s car pulled away. I just waved at her before turning around and finally entering the cemetery.

I was here to visit my mother’s grave.

It had been a year since I left the hospital after months of medication against my breast cancer. My tumor was successfully removed after a surgery and my cancer cells were also removed after months of radiotherapy. But … I still needed to complete that five years.

That’s the only time I could really say that I was free from cancer. I didn’t really want to give myself false hopes. It would be more painful if I did.

I took a deep breath before adjusting the strap of my shoulder bag. I held the bunch of tulips in my hand tightly as I walked towards the big white gate of the place.

I greeted the guard at the entrance before walking to the cobblestone pathway that would lead me to my mother’s grave. I put some loose strands of my hair behind my ears. Then, I put a big smile on my lips.

Of course, I was still not comfortable. It was just a year since the day I was diagnosed with cancer and I cried at my mother’s  grave because I thought I was going to die.

And now, I am still here. I couldn’t deny the fact that I am happy today.

It’s nice to see things were finally going my way after some time of struggles and pain.

When I arrived at Mama’s grave, I immediately laid down the flower I was holding on her stone. I… I honestly don’t know what to say.

So I just stood there, smiling as if my mother could see me. I hoped my smile was enough to tell her that I could manage and she didn’t have to worry about me from wherever she was.

“I’m stronger now, Ma,” I whispered through the cold wind breeze.

Yes. I was way stronger than I was before.

I was about to sit on the ground next to my mother’s grave when someone sobbed.

I raised an eyebrow as I turned to my right. There’s a man, sitting on the ground, crying like hell. He was crying at the grave next to Mama. It looks like the tomb is still new because there is no grass around the tomb and obviously the soil was just recently dug.

I looked around us but no one was around. It was just him and I.

I ran my hand through my hair, getting frustrated from everything he was saying while sobbing like a baby.

Tss. He was just saying sorry. But what else can sorry do? The human he is apologizing to is already dead. It’s worthless to say his regrets to the dead- it’ll just get buried.

I winced at how loud he was sobbing right now. I shook my head after a few seconds of looking at the pathetic man before I looked back at Mama’s grave. I did have a lot of regrets and words unsaid to my mother- but a dead person deserves peace.

“This guy is really getting on my nerves,” I muttered to myself after some minutes passed and he was still crying.

I’m just here to tell Mama that I managed to stay healthy for the past one year and I only have four years to deal with it. But I guess, I couldn’t do that. Not when there’s a man here who would probably get an acting award for the amount of tears he already shed.

I was even more annoyed when I heard him say, “I’m sorry if I didn’t protect you.”

Again, what can he apologize for? The person is already dead!

That’s the last straw. For me, the most disgusting of all kinds of people is the hypocrite. The one who felt sorry or hurt in the end but when he had the chance to utter the apology he did wrong, he didn’t do it or say it.

“Sometimes the road not taken was a lot much worse,” I said, giving him a sideway glance.Nôvel/Dr(a)ma.Org - Content owner.

I couldn’t see his face because of my prosopagnosia but by the way his hair was messily brushed and the tattered jeans he was showing- I guess, he had an out-of-control kind of personality. A deviant.

He was stunned because of what I said. His body language seemed surprised for my sudden intrusion.

I immediately looked back at Mama’s grave. I smirked.

Finally, he stopped sobbing. He was such a nuisance.

After a while, the long silence was cut by my own loud sigh. I looked at him again and then I noticed his hand was placed on his neck. I suddenly remembered the henna tattoo of a dragonfly on my neck.

I guess that temporary tattoo caught his attention.

I shook my head before peeking at the name of the tomb he was crying at. Ava?

Ah … So, it’s a woman. Maybe his girlfriend.

Suddenly, I felt sorry for him. Judging by the way he dressed and cried earlier, I guess he was young- or the same age as me.

It looks like for the rest of his life he will bear the death of his girlfriend. That sucks.

“Why did she die?” I asked, after a couple of seconds of silence.

I heard the hesitance in his answer, “To escape the pain.”

I raised an eyebrow before realizing what he meant. I smirked. Escape the pain? That’s a very romanticized way of describing that awful thing.

“You mean suicide?” I couldn’t hide the sarcasm in my voice.

Whenever I knew someone who did the same bullshit I once tried after being pathetic because of my cancer- I couldn’t help but to be infuriated. Obviously, because suicide was never the answer to combat pain or any negativity. It’s just bullshit.

Why did you do that, Ava?

“I guess, I couldn’t sugarcoat it huh?” He smirked before brushing his hair. He stood up and then put both of his hands to the pocket of his jeans.

A long silence passed the both of us before I said what I was thinking. I faked a cough before looking at the blue sky. “Why bother to say sorry if the person was dead already? She can’t hear you. You should have said everything before she died,” my voice was emotionless and probably my face as well. The only thing in my voice were disgust and frustrations for people like him.

The thing about life- once it expires, you couldn’t do anything to have it back. So, why are there people like him who wait until death to apologize – before expressing their true feelings.

“Stop imposing your opinion on my life,” the man replied to me.

I faked a laugh before nodding. I took a deep breath to calm my annoyance. “I see. You’re a dumb person.”

“What did you say?”

I smirked and then turned at him. I’m just glad I wouldn’t remember him. I don’t like people like him in my life. “Your voice is quite hoarse but it has a good pitch. Your perfume is also manly- too manly for my nose.” I grinned before shrugging. “Good thing I won’t remember you. I don’t want dumb people in my life. Those kind of dumb whose minds are close from other’s perspectives.” Then I turned my back on him.

I was still not satisfied and I raised my right hand. I raised my middle finger to the sky before giving him very helpful advice, “Live in regrets, asshole!”

Then, I left the cemetery. Like what Bailey said, I should celebrate this year because my cancer has not come back. So I didn’t have time to listen to that man’s cruelty. He lost the chance and so I forbid him to regret it. We shouldn’t regret things that were not coming back. That’s hypocrisy.

Like I told Bailey, I went straight to karaoke near my former high school. It has been my haven ever since, especially when there are important things happening in my life – good or bad. I was here when I won a debate for the first time. I was here when I had my first ever crush. I was here when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. And I was also here when she died.

I was here too when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at such a young age of twenty.

“Meredith?”

I smiled at Kuya Oscar who is the owner of this karaoke bar. The top of his head is bald and it looks like he’s carrying a four-month-old fetus because of his big and round beer belly.

“I’m back,” I told him, excitedly.

I was shocked when he did not immediately answer me. But when he wiped his cheeks, that’s when I chuckled.

“Finally you’re back, Edith.”

Edith … That was what most people who knew me during high school used to call me.

“I’m still alive, Kuya Oscar. Don’t make me cry,” I teased him before pointing to my favorite karaoke room- room 12. “No one is in my favorite room right? I will reserve it.”

He chuckled before nodding enthusiastically. “Room 12 is free now. You really know when to come here and reserve that room,” he joked to me before handing me the song book.

I laughed before grinning widely.  “Really? It’s free? Are you sure about that? I might be here all day. Imagine the money you can earn if you make me rent Room 12?”

“Take this,” he pointed out in the song book, “before I change my mind!”

“I’m easy to talk to, Mang Oscar.”

“I missed your jokes, you kid. All right. Get drowned on singing inside. I hope it’s for something good, Edith.”

I gave him a salute, “Don’t worry. This is a celebration,” before heading straight to room 12. With a wide grin on my face, I sat on the old cushion in front of the karaoke machine. The lights were dancing according to the beat of the music being played by the karaoke machine.

“The heck?” I looked closely on the TV screen just to make sure I was seeing things correctly. “Why are there so many saved songs here?”

Yes. As in, there were a bunch of saved songs that were soon to be played. Don’t tell me, the last user of room 12 didn’t finish these songs and just left? Crazy. Each song actually cost five pesos.

I smirked before I took the microphone. I don’t want to cancel the song. Most of them are actually my favorite. I guess the last user of this room got the same music interest as mine. Most of the saved songs were either from FM static and The Cab.

| I remember the days we spent together

Were not enough |

This was the last song on the saved songs. Tonight by FM Static. One of my favorites and probably the best song to mirror what I feel right now.

It’s still clear in my memory … That night- when the doctor told me, my mother gave up after months of battling it out against cancer.

It hurts … And I was angry.

But now, all I could say was that I was so proud of my mother for fighting and at the same time for accepting that she had to give it up. As I grew older, I realized that there were battles you couldn’t fight … And there were chances that were only meant for giving up.

| Tonight I’ve fallen

and I can’t get up |

Watch me there, Ma. I’ll make you proud.

Just when the second verse of the song entered, the door of the karaoke room swung open. The familiar manly scent entered my nostrils. My forehead furrowed when a man wearing tattered jeans and messy brown hair entered.

He was wearing the same clothes as the pathetic man from the cemetery. I could be wrong, though. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that they have the same clothes and smell.

“Excuse me?” That’s all I could tell him when he kept going.

He took the microphone from my hand and then sat in the vacant space beside me. He didn’t even look at me.

He just continued what I was singing and I couldn’t get the microphone back from him because of his nice voice.

He could sing … No, he was a singer.

| When it hurt so bad sometimes

Not having you here … |

No. Let me correct myself. I can’t get the microphone back from him not because he’s good at singing – it’s because I can feel the intense pain in his voice. His voice was shaking and he was holding the microphone a little tighter than he should. I couldn’t see his face but I could definitely feel his pain.

Was this because of the girl lying on the grave beside my mother’s?

| I sing,

“Tonight I’ve fallen and

I can’t get up,”  |

I bit my bottom lip when the song ended. Silence filled room 12. I looked straight at the TV screen in front of the two of us.

I thought the silence would last eternity when he spoke. His natural husky voice filled my ears.

“I rented this room. Why are you here?”

“Kuya Oscar said, there’s no one here in room 12. Why did you leave? Someone took your place,” I smirked.

He sighed. “Yeah. Why did I leave? Someone stupid took my place.”

I was stunned by what he said. What I said was supposed to be a sarcastic joke. But for him, it sounded like he meant something more.

“Huh?” I looked at him.

He sighed again. “If I didn’t leave, she wouldn’t know that idiot. All the stupidity she went through wouldn’t happen to her.”

I stared at him – at his blurred face.

“This would be nice if I could see your face. You look like you’re blushing with anger,” I guessed when I finally realized what he was saying.

I see. It’s about him and the dead girl in his life.

“Did you know that the idiot who took my place made Ava his mistress?”

I raised an eyebrow before looking back at the TV screen again. “Ah … Is it like how I sang out of tune all the songs you saved? You could’ve sung it better but you left and lost your chance to sing them,” I said, grinning at the metaphor unfolding right before my eyes.

“Exactly. I could’ve loved her better if I didn’t leave. She wouldn’t have met that idiot if I had stayed.”

I shook my head before tapping him on the shoulder. “As if she will let you love her if you stay.” I took a deep breath before leaning back in our seat. “From the way you said it, you and the ‘idiot guy’ are the exact opposites. And the girl you are talking about fell to a guy who is completely different from you. Do you get what I’m saying here?”

“That even if I stayed, she would still love him?” I could feel the frustrations in his voice. He looked at me from my peripheral vision but I remained looking at the screen.

“You can’t change a person’s preference. Especially those preferences that grow roots in their hearts.” I remembered my mother. “There are just things that won’t change no matter how much you try to change it.”

He fell silent and I took it as a chance to tell a story. He’s a stranger, I don’t think I will meet him again. Better seize this opportunity to have someone who will listen to me and then will forget what I said.

“My mother died after giving up on her treatment. Do you know how much I begged her to fight back? I knelt down in front of her. I cried.” I smiled bitterly remembering that painful moment. “She said she loves me but she added that she needs to leave me.”

“Are you mad at your mom?”

“Of course. I need her. I can’t afford to lose her. I doubted her love because of anger.” My fists clenched. “But later on, I regret that I felt all that. Because when it was my turn to fight against cancer- I immediately chose to give up. That’s when I realized that it’s not the cancer or the chemotherapy that hurts when you acquire cancer.”

He sighed and I found myself letting my tears fall.

“You know what hurts? It’s so painful to see the people you love and are important to you hurting and suffering because of you. That’s when I finally realized why my mother gave up and left.” I expelled a deep breath. “It’s like freeing me and Dad from the pain … She doesn’t want us to get hurt because of her.”

I cried. And he cried as well.

Inside the room 12, we used each other’s shoulders as a strong wall to lean our heads and cry.

Just cry … Until our tears got tired of falling.

“I fear that Ava is still suffering even in the afterlife.”

“I fear that my cancer will come back in the future.”

We looked at each other. For sure, he could see my runny nose and swollen eyes. While all I could see was his blurry face.

“I’m-”

“No need to say your name,” I interrupted his introduction. I smirked at him. “Believe me, I won’t remember you.”

He chuckled. “I won’t introduce myself. I just want to say, I’m thankful for the talk. That’s all.”

I snorted. “Don’t worry, I’m not thankful.”

“Yeah right.”

“Yeah right too.”