The Love That Passed

Colleen’s POV

“I want to tell you everything in one go, but as I’ve said, too much of everything is not good for you. For now, I want you to know that all your vitals are fine and are back to normal. But it doesn’t mean that you’re already fine. You still need to stay here, you passed the critical part but I am sorry to say that surgery will not be possible until we stabilize your condition and have your series of tests done.” Dr. Gerard said,

I had a feeling that everything’s not going to be alright from here onwards. I know my doctor and he would tell me everything about my condition without hesitation, and him doing that now scares me. I am not afraid to die, what I am afraid of was hurting everyone in this very room. I grew to love them and my mother and I had a good relationship now after many years.

How could I hurt them this way? The one thing I didn’t want to do so I stayed away from getting closer to people is happening now and I can’t do anything about it. I had to be strong and brave. I shouldn’t show them that I am scared because of them and with how they will feel in the end.This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

My surgery is out of the question now, I accepted it right after I woke up and felt my body. Of course, I know my own body. My confidence in getting well is gone, but I still hope and pray that I will still be given a chance at least a little longer to spend my days happily with the people I love and love me back.

After Dr. Gerard left, I know that Jared has not thought of the worst yet. He was still worried but not as much as now that he found out about two years ago. He looks distraught and defeated. Him kneeling before me was something I didn’t expect him to do.

You don’t know how stubborn your wife is.” I said and tried to reach his face and he brought his face closer so I could touch him then I wiped his tears. “Get up and sit back here. I didn’t want to see my hubby looking like that. I am not dead yet, you know.” I added and even if I was weak, I still tried to pull him up.

He gets up himself and sits back as he was before he found out everything. Hubby, I love calling him that. I tried it the first time when I asked him for money. He didn’t tell me to stop calling him that though. So when I was thinking about him, I called him hubby in my mind. I don’t know if he didn’t notice it because I talked about money.

“What can we do for now if she can’t have her surgery because of the baby?” mom asked. She was in tears along with Diane and everyone looked at Dr. Gerard. I can feel that he was having a hard time as well. He looked at me and smiled, sadly saying,

“We can abort the bab—–”

“No!” I exclaimed. I will never do that. How can I let that happen to save my own life? My baby has nothing to do with my selfishness and stupidity.

“It was the only way to do the surgery in time.” Dr. Gerard said.

“I am not going to do it. I am not going to kill my own child for my sake. You don’t know how happy I was when you told me about that and I love the feeling.” I replied.

“Just as I’ve said, I already know your answer.” he said, smiling. It looked like he already accepted my fate. Well, he is my doctor and he knew about my condition more than anyone else.

“Colleen, I think we have to do what Dr. Gerard said.” Ingrid approached me and said. “Jared, come on, don’t be quiet there and say something.” she said looking at Jared who was looking distraught.

“Ingrid, please don’t say that. I don’t want to do it.” I told her and she sighed. Then I heard Jared.

“Colleen,” he said as he looked me in the eye and I could see that he was teary again. “I am excited to see our baby. I am happy that I am going to be a father soon. But, maybe because I am not seeing her right now so I can tell you this.” he told me and I can see that he was having a hard time.

“Maybe, somehow you are feeling her inside you so you already had a bond with her. But it was you I can see right now and my heart was filled with guilt feelings, hurt and love for you. So even if it hurts me and I know it will more to you, can we go with the abortion?” He finally said it.

I don’t hate him, nor feel disappointed with him. I know that it was difficult for him to choose between me and our child. And just as he said, it was me that he was seeing and didn’t feel our child’s presence at all. Maybe that’s why he said those words. “I wanted to make up for you as well, for everything that I did and made you feel before.” he added.

“Hubby, I wouldn’t trade our child’s life for my own. We are not even sure that the surgery will be a success or if it can extend my life for at least 5 years. But when I let our baby live, I am sure that she’s going to grow old and will have more years ahead of her and I want to gamble on a winning side.” I told him and then looked at Dr. Gerard, smiling.

“I am not going to abort my baby. I believe that I will still have time to see her, that’s enough for me.” I told him and he nodded. “And all of you here, I am still alive and well so stop crying like I was already dead.” I added and looked at everyone who started to wipe their tears.

Then I looked at Jared and gave him a smile trying to comfort him. I know that he feels worse than me. After some reminders and prescriptions, Dr. Gerard left and we were all quiet and they all looked gloomy.

I tried to ease the sad feeling surrounding us and started talking about something I knew will make them divert their attention. We all ate together at lunch time and somehow, I could see that they were starting to accept my decision. In the afternoon, mom and Diane as well as Ingrid and Mommy Claire decided to leave and Jared and I left by ourselves.

No one wants to start the conversation so I just keep it that way. I didn’t want him to feel burdened or guilty once again but I know that he was still thinking about everything that he just knew. I hope that he will be able to accept our fate wholeheartedly. It’s for everyone’ own good as well.